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Bomb-shell on a Leash
Posted on 2009.04.13 at 02:10Current Mood:
stressed
For the first time in five years, my family got together at my sister's house, for the traditional Seder meal. This included my two sisters, mother and "step-father" and our combined 16 kids (aged 15 years to 18 months). While I find such gatherings extremely triggering, (LOTS of noise in a family context) I also enjoy them very much. It was a blast! Obviously, the average age at these gathering goes up every single time, and this year it passed some critical mass, the older kids were highly participant and at a much higher level. The whole point of the Seder, is to engage the children, as start-to-finish it is designed to be an educational experience. So it was extremely gratifying to have my three eldest daughters and my older nephews and nieces take an active part.
But of course, with my mother present, nothing ever goes over without "incident".
Sometime early in the meal, my mother asks me if my passports are valid (which of course they are). She now want to 'send' me to see my grandmother... to say goodbye. Piece by little piece, hour by hour over the holiday, the details of this 'plan' come out. She couldn't pay for the ticket (of course not), but she'll get her sisters to foot the bill (one of which could likely foot the bill on Flyer Miles alone). No, she'll get her mother, my grandmother to pay for it, she just needs her three sisters to agree. She wants me to leave sunday. No, saturday. No, thursday. She'll find me the ticket, no you find the ticket. Each and every little detail is a damn teeter-totter.
And each and every time she brings up the subject, I feel this big sledge-hammer hit me in the chest. Again, and again, and again. As I've said six weeks ago, I really really want to make this trip. But in the interval, I've become resigned to not making it, and in many ways this IS the easier choice. It's so much easier to be in overall denial, wishing you could change things, and just "miss" the opportunity, with the minor duress that would cause after the fact, than to actually be there, and seeing things as there are, and say goodbye. Rather fazed me out, sometimes to the extend of dissociation on this evening that I was already battling exhaustion caused by pre-event stress, to stay in focus on.
So any way, that was last thursday, regarding a trip this thursday. Of course, on friday she's all over my back, saying this might not be a good idea, with regard to work, needing to take another whole week of vacation off (on top of 10 days company vacation for Passover), and "who knows if I'll have a job to come back to". So I call up my boss and clear it with him too. But by then she's already told my mother in-law, who is now also all over me (mostly with the silent stares, but she updated Anat's grandparents who then grilled me).
As I told Anat, my mother really DOES mean well. She's just completely oblivious to the effect of anything she does on anybody else. Very much the drunk elephant in a china shop, AKA an "obliviot".
Diaspora Jews, having two days of full-stop sabbath days for every one in Israel, had a continuous three day weekend. Thus no-one there could be contacted (mother's sister in Israel OKed the idea). Instead of calling first thing sunday morning, catching them folks before they go to sleep, my mother waits some more. Instead she gets on the phone to ME some more, saying "you know, if you go, your other cousins will also want to go" and various other such. Never mind that the only grandchildren who haven't seen my grandmother recently are my sisters and I, and for the majority of them it's a local flight, or that I'm the eldest grandchild of the lot.
So finally she calls, not her sisters (of course) but her mother. Well thankfully, my grandmother has shown a sudden improvement, and for the first time in months, wants to look into her financial situation (last week she was just looking for an end, and we didn't even know if she'd still be here today). So while my grandmother likes the idea, the whole trip is even more in limbo now. I MAY still be going this thursday (and staying 7-10 days), or my not grandmother may forget about this for a while. As if this trip, in and of itself, wasn't stressful enough.
So anybody in the Seattle region want to maybe see me? I'll very likely be open to evening activities, if only to decompress.
But of course, with my mother present, nothing ever goes over without "incident".
Sometime early in the meal, my mother asks me if my passports are valid (which of course they are). She now want to 'send' me to see my grandmother... to say goodbye. Piece by little piece, hour by hour over the holiday, the details of this 'plan' come out. She couldn't pay for the ticket (of course not), but she'll get her sisters to foot the bill (one of which could likely foot the bill on Flyer Miles alone). No, she'll get her mother, my grandmother to pay for it, she just needs her three sisters to agree. She wants me to leave sunday. No, saturday. No, thursday. She'll find me the ticket, no you find the ticket. Each and every little detail is a damn teeter-totter.
And each and every time she brings up the subject, I feel this big sledge-hammer hit me in the chest. Again, and again, and again. As I've said six weeks ago, I really really want to make this trip. But in the interval, I've become resigned to not making it, and in many ways this IS the easier choice. It's so much easier to be in overall denial, wishing you could change things, and just "miss" the opportunity, with the minor duress that would cause after the fact, than to actually be there, and seeing things as there are, and say goodbye. Rather fazed me out, sometimes to the extend of dissociation on this evening that I was already battling exhaustion caused by pre-event stress, to stay in focus on.
So any way, that was last thursday, regarding a trip this thursday. Of course, on friday she's all over my back, saying this might not be a good idea, with regard to work, needing to take another whole week of vacation off (on top of 10 days company vacation for Passover), and "who knows if I'll have a job to come back to". So I call up my boss and clear it with him too. But by then she's already told my mother in-law, who is now also all over me (mostly with the silent stares, but she updated Anat's grandparents who then grilled me).
As I told Anat, my mother really DOES mean well. She's just completely oblivious to the effect of anything she does on anybody else. Very much the drunk elephant in a china shop, AKA an "obliviot".
Diaspora Jews, having two days of full-stop sabbath days for every one in Israel, had a continuous three day weekend. Thus no-one there could be contacted (mother's sister in Israel OKed the idea). Instead of calling first thing sunday morning, catching them folks before they go to sleep, my mother waits some more. Instead she gets on the phone to ME some more, saying "you know, if you go, your other cousins will also want to go" and various other such. Never mind that the only grandchildren who haven't seen my grandmother recently are my sisters and I, and for the majority of them it's a local flight, or that I'm the eldest grandchild of the lot.
So finally she calls, not her sisters (of course) but her mother. Well thankfully, my grandmother has shown a sudden improvement, and for the first time in months, wants to look into her financial situation (last week she was just looking for an end, and we didn't even know if she'd still be here today). So while my grandmother likes the idea, the whole trip is even more in limbo now. I MAY still be going this thursday (and staying 7-10 days), or my not grandmother may forget about this for a while. As if this trip, in and of itself, wasn't stressful enough.
So anybody in the Seattle region want to maybe see me? I'll very likely be open to evening activities, if only to decompress.
